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Posted May 5, 2001

A recent report to us indicates that Doug has looked better. Someone encountered Doug and Barbara in a restaurant. They hadn't seen them in a while. They said Doug looked worse than he's ever looked.

Could it be that the strain of defending so many lies has taken it's toll on the poor boy? Really Doug, we don't want anything to happen to you until AFTER we've had our chance at you in court. So, please be careful.

But seriously Doug, did your health start to decline AFTER you signed the Quit Claim giving the house to Barbara, or before? If it was after, perhaps you should ponder the next for clues:

>
(our apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)
You Might Be Being Poisoned If:
  • There's a strange looking spice bottle on the kitchen counter
  • Your wife is suddenly dieting and won't eat the same food
  • The meatloaf on your plate has an unusual green tinge
  • Your wife won't feed the leftovers to the dog
  • Flies die after they land on your food
  • You feel better after eating out
  • The following are from anonymous! in Virginia
  • Your wife is humming "Earl" by the Dixie Chicks while she fixes dinner.
  • Your wife suddenly hangs up when you enter the room. You press "Star69" and the last number dialed was a funeral parlor.
  • Your wife dials poison control in a panic after accidentally sipping from your drink.
  • Every meal your wife cooks for you has the same funny taste.
  • Each time you leave the room you could swear your wife says "Dead man walking".
  • Your wife's chat room name is "Black Widow".
  • You find websites about cyanide, arsenic and strychnine in the web browser history file on your home PC.
  • Every meal your wife cooks for you has the same funny taste.
  • Your wife giggles whenever you talk about your future.
  • Vampires are beginning to act jealous of your skin color.
  • You awake at night and find your wife measuring you from head to toe and she's been digging her backyard garden a little deep.
  • The neighbor's dog bites you and dies a few moments later.
  • Your wife takes a new 150% mortgage on your house after making sure your life insurance is up to date.

A last thought for Doug: don't pose for a picture in front of any old mine shafts in Cripple Creek.
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