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Lawyer Jokes

      LAWYER: An individual whose principle role is to protect his clients from others of his profession.


      It's a shame that 98% of lawyers give the remaining 2% a bad name.


      If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?


      Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

      A. You cry when you cut an onion.


      A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you go first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"

Amy shyly stood up, scuffled her feet, and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and accounced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day, she went to Billy's house and was greeted by his father. The teacher recounted what his son had said, and demanded an explanation.

"I'm actually an attorney,' Billy's father replied. "But how do you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"


Two lawyers were walking through the courthouse, negotiating a case.

"Look," the first lawyer said to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the second.

And that was the end of the discussion.


Why do lawyers display a copy of their bar association cards on their dashboards?

So they can park in handicapped zones; it's proof of a moral disablity.


While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.


Why is a lawyer worse than a tapeworm?

Because a lawyer continues sucking you even when you are dead!


What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.


      What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.


      Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, which provided them their food.

Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true! There's a beautiful, naked blonde woman floating our way!"

The lawyer on the ground was skeptical, "You're hallucinating," he said. "You better get down from there right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and began describing the beautiful naked blonde floating face up and headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind.

But, sure enough, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious. The two lawyers dragged the young lady out of the surf, still unconscious, and stood over her admiring her beauty.

"You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman," the first lawyer said. "It's been a long time...do you think we should, you know, screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"


      Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones do you know the defense attorney? "

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him,"

The defense attorney almost died!

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."


      What's the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?

The pricks are outside on a porcupine.


      What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Removeable wingtips.


      What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

People are willing to remove their shoes to jump on a trampoline.


      How can you tell when a lawyer is on Viagra?

No difference. They just get taller.


      Author - Steve Martini (a lawyer) his continuing series starring Paul Madriani who plays a lawyer

Book Title: The Rule of Nine
Publisher William Morrow
Copyright 2010

Page 82

In the last two years, three lawyers in this county have been shot. So far the scorecard is one wounded and two dead. Deterrence is a problem since the sentencing guidelines for shooting a lawyer in this state call for ten minutes of probation to reload while they frame the certificate of merit to be awarded to the shooter by the local prosecutor.

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