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San Jose, Calif - July 29, 2009
Following their corporate motto, "If it ain't broke, fix it until it is", eBay staffers are already outlining projected changes in the Seller Policies
for early 2011. A Trusted Representative (that's an official eBay snitch for those not in the know) has leaked projected policy changes to Tabberone.
The TR, who declines to be indentified because he owes his "soul to the company sto' ", claims these changes are in the preliminary stages of refinement.
- eBay Sellers will be required to purchase all future vehicles, new or used, through eBay Motors and finance these purchases through eBay Financial
which is being incorporated as you read this article.
- eBay Sellers will be required to carry insurance policies obtained through eBay Life. The value of theses policies will vary based upon Power Seller
status and with eBay automatically billing the seller's account for the premium every month. The policies will be made payable to eBay and in the event of suicide will
pay triple indemnity.
- eBay Sellers will be required to send all of their purchasers birthday cards for at least three years after any purchase. Repeat purchasers are to additionly receive
holiday cards, Valentine's cards and graduation cards (if applicable). For a small monthly fee, billed to the seller's account naturally, eBay will send these cards
for the seller.
- eBay Sellers will be restricted to not wearing white before Memorial Day and not allowed to wear white after Labor Day. John Donahoe was heard saying,
"How they (sellers) dress reflects upon us all". eBay Fashion Police will make random clothing checks in areas of known violations.
- eBay Sellers will be required to use reusable grocery bags with the eBay logo on them. These will be automatically shipped to every seller each month
and billed to their account. "They must be green, not just think green," declared John Donahoe.
- eBay Sellers will be required to enroll their K though 6 children in eBay approved schools that teach eBay Ethics (we will pause here to allow you
to stop laughing). "We need to get them young," said John Donahoe, "before they learn the bad habits of selling off-eBay."
- eBay Sellers will be required to purchase their health care from eBay HealthCare and provide comprehensive coverage for all of their employees
through this plan. John Donahoe predicts eBay HealthCare will save them money in the long run. Approved doctors with DSRs of 4.6 or more are the only physicians
allowed. Approved hospitals will double as eBay Stores.
- eBay Sellers who receive one negative in any six-month period must undergo psychiatric evaluation before being allowed to relist. Two negatives in a six-month
period will require two weeks in a regional eBay re-hab clinic followed by out-patient treatments until cured. For more than two negatives in six months the seller will
be forced to watch large screen re-runs of My Mother The Car until their ears bleed.
- Negotiations are in progress concerning eBay's purchase of the Postal Service. Once that is finalized, eBay Sellers will be required to ship only
using EPS and must have insurance and delivery confirmation, paid for by the seller. The major block to the purchase is the insistence by USPS
that eBay management cannot put their pictures on stamps as they demand. "I'll look real good on a stamp", joked John Donahoe. "I'll try to
look humble but it won't be easy". eBay plans to next acquire the U.S. Mint in Denver but that's another story.
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